


Complicated

by Yammisama



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-11 17:56:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11719524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yammisama/pseuds/Yammisama
Summary: Cullen still suffers from the pains of his past. After discovering someone from that past, will Dorian be able to help his friend or just make everything worse?





	1. Forgotten Letters

**Author's Note:**

> This is an older work of mine that I am still working on, I'm transferring it from another site and also making some slight changes to improve it (though I'm still not 100% happy with it). I hope you enjoy reading it, kudos and comments are always welcome and appreciated.

Ten years, ten years have passed since the blight, since the horrors of the tower and spiteful, hate filled words were turned toward the one he most cherished, his most beloved. Ten long and hard years since the the hero's great sacrifice, and all of the regrets and memories he had tried so desperately to bury under those many long years, were now being dragged back to the surface. All caused by the arrival of a Tevinter mage with a similar name and appearance. Though the two were in fact very dissimilar, seeing the mage brought back many memories and feelings Cullen had thought were long forgotten.

 

It was painful, there was so much he regretted. Harsh words he could never take back, apologies he could never give, and actions he had never taken. Over time he had pushed these feelings away, though they still scratched at the back of his mind whenever Dorian was around. But it wasn't until after they got to Skyhold, after Dorian and Cullen had developed a friendship however, that things between them got complicated.

 

Dorian had complained about what a mess Cullen's office had become and had threatened to tidy the room for him if the commander would not do so himself. And so Cullen was now cleaning his admittedly very messy office with the assistance and insistence of the prim and proper mage. All had been going well until Dorian found a box of old letters Cullen had long forgotten about. Dorian was a very curious person by nature and anything that might reveal some information about the mysterious commander whom refused to talk about his past, was more than a little tempting. So when his eye caught sight of a very elegantly written 'Sir Cullen Stanton Rutherford' he couldn't help himself. He took the letter from the small box and began to read its contents.

 

'My Dear Knight 

I know we didn't part on the best of terms, and that is understandable given what you went through. I know you didn't mean what you said, and I want you to know that I forgive you. I will always love you, Cullen, remember that, always, even if you no longer feel the same.

Farewell my love.  
Darien Amell'

 

What was this? He could sense traces of magic still lingering on the paper, it had been written by a mage, a mage that loved the commander. Dorian's chest felt tight, as jealousy washed over him. From the sounds of it, this mage once had the commander's affection as well. This didn't make any sense, Cullen had only just gotten past his hatred of mages, and even so, still greatly mistrusted them. Just who was this 'Darien Amell' anyway? Without looking at the commander, he wouldn't have been able to maintain his composure if he had. Dorian placed the letter back in its box, stood, and posed his question.

 

"Who in the void is Darien Amell?"


	2. Painful Memories

Cullen froze as the name left Dorian's lips, and silence fell over the office. The silence did not last long however, Cullen could feel Dorian's irritation as the mage stormed over and slammed his hands on the now clean desk. Whatever composure he'd had was now completely gone and his eyes burned with intensity Cullen had only seen in battle. "Answer me commander!" Cullen looked away, the anger and pain on his friends face was too much, he couldn't bare to see it. "You hated mages until only recently, or have you been lying this entire time!?" Cullen took a deep breath, battling with the many emotions he was feeling in this moment, but he had to say something. "No- I- it was a long time ago." He fumbled with the words, he had hoped all this would have stayed in the past, forgotten, but of course fate is a cruel mistress.

 

"Do you still love him?" Dorian asked, voice calmer now. "You could try to find him. I'm sure with the Inquisition's resources it wouldn't be difficult." Dorian's attempt to help only made the pain of the situation worse however.

 

"No Dorian, I could not." Cullen said with a sigh, raising his gaze to meet Dorian's as he stood from his chair, removed a similar letter from his desk drawer, and set it in front of the mage. "I had hoped none of this would come to light but you need to understand." He walked over to one of the doors leading to the battlements. "I need some time alone. Please read the letter Dorian, then you will understand why I kept this hidden and why I cannot look for him." Cullen then left Dorian alone in his office with the letter and more questions than answers.

 

Dorian stared at the letter, the same elegant writing, the same hint of magic, but there was something different, something darker. Cullen had told him to read it but he was hesitant. He took a deep breath before opening the letter, he wanted to understand, to be able to help his friend. So he began to read.

 

'Sir Cullen Stanton Rutherford 

All I have known since leaving the circle is war and death. I am no longer protected by the tower and the Templars within, by you. Things didn't go as I would have liked when I left, and I know you never understood why I accepted Duncan's offer. I was loyal to the circle, I betrayed my friend for the circle, yet Knight Commander Gregor could still not overlook the fact that I aided a blood mage, even if it was under orders. I was afraid, so when Duncan asked me to become a gray worden I could not say no.

I am working hard to bring peace, for you, for Ferelden, for all of Thedas. And to do that I am willing to make the ultimate sacrifice, it is my duty as a gray warden. Morrigan may call me a fool for choosing death, but I am finally at peace. I know I will not survive tomorrow's battle and I am not afraid. I cannot leave things as they are between us however, you never responded to my previous letter and I can understand, you are still angry with me, I know. But I forgive your blind anger, and I hope that one day you are able to find happiness.

With all my love and more   
Darien Amell'


	3. Realizations

Cullen leaned against the stone wall looking out at the vast mountains that surrounded Skyhold. It was a beautiful sight and it seemed to have a calming effect on the commander, he would often come here to clear his head. But today was different, his thoughts still raced, running through what ifs and worse case scenarios. Would Dorian hate him? Think he was just a replacement? Or just brush it off like it was nothing.

 

If Dorian was anything it was unpredictable, there was no was of knowing what he would do or if he would do anything at all. It was then that Cullen heard footsteps, graceful and familiar, he needn't even look to know it was Dorian.

 

"I apologize for my earlier outburst, if I had known..." Dorian began, he was never good with situations like this, never knew what he should say or how to say it. Right now all he wanted to do was leave and pretend that none of this ever happened. It would be easy, he did so all the time. But this time he couldn't just run away. Not from Cullen, and not from this, he had to see it through.

 

For a long moment they stood in silence, until Cullen finally spoke. "It is I whom should apologize not you Dorian, you have every right to be angry with me. I would even understand if you were to hate me." He heaved a sigh staring out into the distance. "I should have told you."

 

"I'm your friend not your lover commander, you needn't tell me anything. I too should remember that the next time I get jealous of a dead man." Dorian silently cursed his choice of words hoping he hadn't just made things worse and then he noticed, Cullen's neck and ears were an unnatural shade of pink. He was blushing, and Dorian felt a wave of relief wash over him.

 

Cullen cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "You were jealous? That's why you were upset?" He still couldn't look at the mage, not with his face a blaze and surely a brilliant shade of crimson. A soft chuckle came from behind him before Dorian spoke. "Is it really that surprising? I'm not blind commander, you're a good man and not unattractive either, anyone would be lucky to have your affection." He paused. "So yes, I was jealous."

 

"Dorian I..." Cullen started but when he turned around to face the mage, he was already gone. This wasn't the first time Dorian had disappeared before he could respond and it probably wouldn't be the last. Cullen had half a mind to go after him, but it was getting late and Dorian was to journey to Emprise du Lion with the inquisitor in the morning, so he made his way back to his office.

 

When he arrived however, paperwork was not all that awaited him. Leliana was leaning against his desk with her arms crossed over her chest and a none to happy look on her face. "You know, if Darien could see you now he'd be both proud and very disappointed with you." She stated before he had a chance to question her purpose for visiting at such a late hour. "Darien was my friend commander, he confided in me. I know all he ever wanted was for you to be happy."

 

She pushed herself off the desk and walked over to Cullen, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You can be happy commander, you just have to let yourself. He leaves for Emprise du Lion tomorrow, yes? Go to him, before he leaves. And remember, the only one keeping you from your happiness is yourself." And with that she left behind the poor commander could utter a word.

 

She was right however, he had to say something, but what? Pacing back and forth he began to think on what he should do. What would he say? Would he be able to say it? Would he even have the courage to knock on the mage's door? And would Dorian even return his feelings?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's going to start taking me longer to update, after this chapter I have nothing new written yet. I'm currently writing another fic as well so we'll see how often I get this updated though I can say it will probably be a few weeks at the minimum between updates. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading and I hope you continue to enjoy.
> 
> edit: this fic will most likely be on hold until I finish my other one, it taking all my creative brain power just to update the one I don't think I have it in me to write both simultaneously I'm sorry.


	4. Feelings and complications

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter but I wanted to post something at least, hopefully the next will be longer and I'll try my best not to take quite so long between updates.
> 
> Thank you for your patience, enjoy!

     The next morning as the Inquisitor's party readied for their mission, Dorian stole a few quick glances toward the commander's tower. he couldn't help but wonder if he had said too much. Scared the commander away perhaps? Or even lost his friendship. Dorian didn't know what he would do if that were to happen, he had precious few friends and he cherished each of them.

 

      Suddenly he felt a strong and familiar hand on his shoulder. "come to see us off commander?" He asked with his usual nonchalance, throwing Cullen a sideways glance. Noting Dorian's indifference, Cullen was mentally kicking himself for not taking Leliana's advice. He tightened his grip on the mage's shoulder slightly before turning to the Inquisitor. "I would like to have a word with Dorian before your departure, if that's alright." 

 

       "By all mean." Valhen replied with a carefree smile. "We wont be leaving for a little while yet.

 

       "Many thanks, Inquisitor." Cullen said with a small bow before practically dragging Dorian back to his office so thy could speak in relative privacy.

 

       "Dragging me off before an important mission commander, what will people say? Dorian mocked.

 

       "People can say what they want, it matters not to me what they think." Cullen responded bluntly.

 

      Dorian was now silent, staring with wide eyes as Cullen closed the door behind them. 

 

      "I shouldn't have left things as they were last night.. But I was afraid." Cullen paused and took a deep breath, not letting Dorian's continued silence dissuade him. "I enjoy your company Dorian, more so than is appropriate for a mere friendship." He took Dorian's hands in his, blush spreading across his face. It had been many years since he had confessed to anyone and he wasn't quite sure how to go about it. "You said before that you're my friend not my lover, but what if I want you to be.." His face was now in flames as he fumbled for the right word, he was making a fool of himself but he no longer seemed to care. "My... uh.. lover that is.." The silence that filled the room now was unbearable. Cullen looked at Dorian with hopeful eyes, pleading for a response.

 

      "I'm sorry commander, but that would not end well for either of us, or did you forget that I am an  _evil magister from Tevinter_. You are the commander of the Inquisition's forces, highly respected and loved, I will not take that away from you. So no matter how tempting your offer may be, or how much I may want to give in" A multitude of emotions flooded across Dorian's face before he pulled his hands from Cullen's grasp and turned away. "my answer is no."

 

      "Damn it, Dorian! I don't care what others may think! I let society keep me from the one I love once, I am not going to make the same mistake twice." Cullen tried to place a hand on the mages shoulder but was shrugged off as Dorian made for the door. "You don't have to give me an answer right now, just think about it, that's all I ask."

 


End file.
